well it's about time!

I have had this in the back of mind for a few days now. I know I need to write down Paisleys birth story I will always want to remember it and so will she, but every time I sit down to write I get super depressed just thinking about those dark dark days. Jeff, the day after Paisley was born and our whole stay in the hospital kept an amazing journal of all that went on, I may have to refer to that for help. And maybe with his permission I can post it on here. Besides there are two sides to this story, my side in the OR and those who were left in the waiting room. That night is like a nightmare that plays over and over in my head these days. It was nice being in the hospital and putting all my thoughts and energy into Paisley and getting her well and home. But since we have been home it has left me with time to think about that night and how horrible and scary it really was.

Monday October 4th at 3am I rolled over in bed, and when you are 39 weeks that is a huge ordeal :) all of the sudden I felt a little splat of water, to be honest I thought your kidding me did I just pee a little?!?! I went to the bathroom and noticed my pjs were a little wet. I woke Jeff up and said I think my water broke. After that I was WAY to excited/scared to sleep. I lied in bed for a few more hours waiting for the BIG break to happen. It never happened. After a call to my mom and walking around the neighborhood to try to get contractions to start I knew I needed to call my Dr. I didn't want to, I knew they would send me straight to the hospital. At this point I was feeling NOTHING. So we took our sweet time. We stopped at a few stores to look for a nursing bra and then got some lunch and took Liberty over to my moms. We finally got to the Hospital around 1pm. In the OB triage they checked the fluid and it was positive my water had broke. At this point I was 5cm. I was being admitted and my Dr. stopped by and said you ready to have a baby today! I was READY!! After being sent to Labor and Delivery I was told that I would be started on Pitocin I was NOT HAPPY! I had different thoughts for how I wanted this birth to go. But since I was in the hospital they like the baby to be born before 24 hours after the water breaking I was already at 12 hours. I told the nurse I was scared of Pitocin and had heard horror stories, she assured me that it was fine. She said we will get the Pitocin started and then get you your epidural and you will have a baby in a few hours. I then expressed my concerns about the epidural, with Liberty it wore off and I did not want that to happen. I wanted to go as long as I could without it. She was very supportive of that. She then checked me and I was 6cm. I was shocked, how am I progressing so well and not feeling a THING!

As I was a 6 I sat in bed and ate a Popsicle and was all smiles. Then the contractions started to hit. I felt I did really well breathing through them then I was checked and was an 8 I thought I could go longer but the nurse said if you want an epidural you better get one now, you can't be asking for one when it's time to push. I'm glad I asked for it then. It was now 5pm and I am ready to push. I thought wow this is going great I bet I will have a baby by 6pm. I pushed a few times and it was then that we found out that the baby was face up, that's how Liberty was and I pushed for 2 1/2 hours with her. I pushed on and off for an hour not really getting anywhere. My Dr. came in and gave me the option to push for a long time or stop and let the contractions try to rotate the baby and let her move down a little more on her own. I remembered how swollen I was after pushing so long with Liberty so I decided to wait and see if the contractions could do some of the work for me. It was about 2 hours of LOTS of pressure and the nurses moving me in different potions to try to get the baby to move. Also during all of this was shift change so now I have a new nurse. At this point I am on my hands and knees trying to get the baby to turn. I start to feel sick and throw up a few times. I was so discouraged the perfect labor was now a nightmare. Why, with both of my labors was it so hard for me to push! Also during this time I did throw up a few times, no fun! All of the sudden I feel a SHARP pain at the top of my stomach and I start yelling OUCH it hurts it hurts. They move me on my side, the babies heart rate has now DROPPED LOW! I see the panic on my moms and the nurses face! I kept asking to lay on my back it felt better but I had to be on my side for the babies heart rate. The nurse presses on my stomach to see if it was just a strong contraction. It is at that moment that I really see the panic, my stomach went from rock hard from contractions to mush. She says she thinks my uterus has ruptured. NOT GOOD! All of the sudden nurses are everywhere I'm singing a paper to get a C-section and they are paging DRs and nurses from all over the hospital. I am now being pushed out of my room, this whole time I am still saying ouch ouch over and over again, the pain was HORRID!!! They yell to Jeff, DAD we will come back for you. In my mind at this moment I am so scared I can feel myself slipping away. I was in SO MUCH PAIN I could hardly stay awake I could feel myself blacking out! The OR was pure chaos, it seemed like nothing was in order and everyone was running around yelling at each other. I can hear them saying where is DR. Huish has anyone paged him, did you tell him its 911. They are now paging the hospital for any Surgeon to come to this emergency C-section. I am still in so much pain I can't open my eyes, they pain is now in my shoulder too, they say that is is normal I ask the nurse if she will rub my shoulder haha she doesn't say or do anything! Now I'm wondering where Jeff is, he would rub my shoulder for me! They keep saying the pain medicine should be kicking in any min Amy, well they were NOT! Dr. Huish finally gets there. My eyes are still closed this is all just what I'm hearing. I never saw any ones face that were in that room. One nurse says that if my epidural doesn't take quick enough then they will have to put me under for the surgery. I know start to lose it, I have never felt this close to death in my life. I had a strong feeling that if I went under I was not coming back. I knew I needed to keep concentrating on my breathing and staying alive. I few times I heard the panic in a nurses voice saying Amy Amy are you doing ok. NO I was not ok, it was taking everything in my to stay in that room. All I could think about was back in the LD room was my husband, mom, MIL and sister who I had not even had a chance to say anything too. And my sweet little Liberty. I left her at my moms without saying goodbye hoping not to make a scene and make her sad as we left for the hospital. WHERE was JEFF!! Why had he still not come in the room. I was so scared that it was the end for me. I would not wish this feeling on anyone. The baby is out, I can feel them pull her out, not a sound no crying at all! It has now been 18 minutes since her heart rate dropped. Dr Huish yells at some nurses about something. Sounded to me like they weren't ready for the baby. I can hear them bagging my baby. I thought she was dead. I am now losing it more than ever inside. I open my eyes to try to see something. All I see is the curtain in front of me is COVERED in blood! I quickly close my eyes again and they didn't open again til I was in recovery. I tried to tune out everything at that moment all I could think about was hearing a time of death being pronounced and I was NOT going to hear that! I am now shaking uncontrollably, they put a ton of warm blankets on me. I can hear someone asking Dr. Huish if he thinks he can save my uterus and if I will be able to have kids again. I wanted to punch that guy in the FACE! I was right there I could hear him and I did not want to know the answer to that question. I could tell Dr. Huish was annoyed too, he was trying to ignore him and he just kept yelling over to the nurses hows the baby doing, how is baby doing. After what seemed like an eternity I am now in recovery. I had lost a lot of blood and needed a blood transfusion (two units of blood.) I can hear the nurses say can dad come in and see mom. I was so ready to see Jeff but I was afraid he was coming to tell me that our baby had died. I looked at him trying to read his face not wanting to be the one to ask. He looks so scared. He said baby is doing well she is alive. And he has been sitting with her in the NICU. She is beautiful and has a full head of dark hair! This is all a blur to me I can't remember if my mom was able to come in and see me before this point or after the Dr came to talk to us. Jeff says that they were all able to see Paisley has she was being pushed down the hall on her way to the NICU and that they were all able to sneak a peek at her.

My mom says that my Dad had been there and that Lindsey was still out there waiting too. A Dr. comes in to give us the "NEWS" of our little baby. It was really hard for me to stay awake and listen and it seemed like she was talking really slow. I think she was from Russia and had a very thick accent which made it even harder to listen and understand. She told us that she was not responding after birth and was being sent to PCH to be treated. She explained the Cold Cap Treatment that she would be on. All I could do was look at Jeff and Mom in pure shocked. How was this happening to me. What happened, how did my life change so quickly. Why my baby? She did not deserve to have to go through all of this. I could not keep the tears back any longer. The Dr left and I was left with my fears and thoughts as I waited for them to bring in Paisley for me to see before she was taken to PCH. They finally bring in Paisley, she is beautiful! Where did all that dark hair come from. She looked so small and helpless even for an 8 lbs 11oz baby. I could barley get my hand to reach hers but I touched her hand and cried.

Then just a few short minutes later she was gone. I was then moved back into my LD room to stay for the rest of the night. They wanted to keep me close to the OR just in case. Back at the room I was able to see Lindsey, and Jeff's brother Mark was there with Jeff's parents. Jeff, Mark and Craig gave me a blessing and then they were off to go see Paisley I told Jeff to give Paisley a blessing as soon as they were able. My heart was breaking my baby was gone and now there went my husband to stay with her. I was glad he was going to be with her but I was sad that he had to leave me. My mom stayed by my side all night. A few minutes after Jeff left I got a phone call from a Dr at PCH saying Paisley had arrived and that they had started the treatment on her. She held nothing back and told me Paisley did not look good, she had another seizure on the way to the hospital and from what she could tell she already had brain damage. I called Jeff and bawled!!! Our daughter has brain damage how did this happen!! It was the longest most horrible night, my mom was right there by my bedside every time I woke up that night. Each time I woke up my heart dropped, yes this was real it was not a dream. We cried in each others arms all night and prayed for a miracle! The funny thing is all night I knew that Heavenly Father could and would bless us with this miracle. The next morning they finally moved me into an actual recovery room. I was so glad to get out of that haunted LD room. After only a few minutes of being in the recovery room I heard a baby crying in the next room and lost it! I wanted my baby in my room with me so bad! Now I just needed to heal and get out of this hospital and go see my baby.